On Pain of Deth: The Hogwarts Experiment
by Voidangel Soren
Summary: Hermione, Luna and Wolfe OC cause chaos and mayhem in Hogwarts. Rated for general tomfoolery. FLAMES ACCEPTED!
1. The Closet Cam

**This is On Pain of Deth, my first fanfic. I only own Wolfe and the camera mentioned within. I regret nothing.**

Chapter 1: Closet Shenanigans.

In a hallway in Hogwarts, there was a supply closet. Inside this closet, many things happened. Mops were stored, bleach was left, and pot was smoked. But the most infamous things that happened in this closet were exploited by none other than Wolfe Jercries and Hermione Granger. To this day, both of them are considered retarded for what they did. I will tell you now, it wasn't pretty, or a school project, as Wolfe insisted it was.

"Wolfe, I understand what you're doing, but why?"

"Shits and giggles, Hermione. Shits and giggles," answered Wolfe as he set up a video camera in aforementioned closet.

"Wolfe…It's just a closet."

"Or so it would seem…"

"…"

"…Nah, it's a closet. But I just want to find out what happens if I leave this camera in here for a couple of days."

"You'd get more action from the Great Hall at night, you know."

Wolfe nodded absently, as he was adjusting the camera, then realized what Hermione said, "Wait…what?"

"Never mind."

The two left the closet, going their separate ways. Wolfe went to the bathroom to kick the doors in, and Hermione went to bitch and moan to Harry about how painful her period was.

An hour passed. A sewer rat ran past the closet, closely pursued by Crabbe and Goyle, both of who had mallets.

Then Neville appeared on the stairs, dragging the unconscious body of none other than Ron Weasley, who was so dumb he actually fell into the trap Neville had set for him. It involved a tree branch and a few well-placed pictures of scantily clad women. Neville, sweating profusely, dragged his not awake "friend" into the legendary closet, and then locked himself in.

Now, it must be mentioned that Neville was not so lucky with the ladies. He had been turned down so many times, even nerds in LA pitied him. So, faced with the reality that he may never get a girlfriend, let alone laid, he decided to find out what gay sex felt like, starting with his good "friend" Ron.

Suddenly, about to go where only a few guys in Hufflepuff had dared to go before, Neville had second thoughts.

'Wait,' he thought quietly to himself, 'I can get a girlfriend. I'll just ask Wolfe and he can hook me up with someone. Am I really gonna sink this low?'

He looked down at Ron's nude rear end and his own hard member, and then sighed. "Well, maybe just this once."

Soon after, Neville found out it wasn't that bad.

Several hours and a chemical rash due to ammonium later, Neville emerged from the closet and set out to find Wolfe. Ron emerged some time later, wondering aloud why his ass hurt so much. Needless to say, a passing group of first years decided against eating dinner that night.

Another couple of hours passed. Severus Snape strolled past, singing along to his iPod.

"Crank dat soulja boy…"

Finally, Cho Chang walked up and stealthily slipped into the closet. Once inside, she pulled out her wand and started masturbating while staring at a picture of the late great Cedric Diggory.

More time passed. Moans and gasps emitted from the closet. Luckily, the only person to pass by the closet while Cho was in there was none other than Blaise Zabini. He opened the closet to see what was the matter, and found himself suddenly pulled inside and immediately disrobed.

Needless to say, Blaise had a very good day.

And so, the day progressed. The two lovebirds left the closet looking severely disheveled. Later on, Fred, George, and Lee entered the closed to do some LSD. They all left smelling like pussy and tripping balls, the smell courtesy of a small puddle of bodily fluids that Cho forgot to clean up.

Some more time passed. The sun began to sink below the horizon. Then, lo and behold, there came one Draco Malfoy. Pretending to be on rounds, he easily cleared the hallway with some sharp words to the third and first years so he could sneak into the closet. Once inside, he shoved his wand up his ass and jacked off to a picture of Hermione in a bathing suit, courtesy of Argus Filch's confiscated items….'r Us. A subsidiary of Weasley & Weasley, Inc.

Then came Wolfe and Hermione, to recover the camera of shame.

"Wolfe," Hermione whispered, "I think someone's in there…"

"TIME'S UP, BITCH!" Wolfe yelled, kicking the closet door in, KO'ing Malfoy.

"…"

"…"

"…Is that-"

"Yeah…Hey, the camera!" Wolfe picked up the camera and checked it. "…Everything's there."

"You really think we can blackmail all these people?"

"Said the girl to the guy to blackmailed Severus Snape. _Twice_."

"Good point. Should we leave him like this?"

"Yeah. It'll add to the scandal."

And so, Wolfe and Hermione headed for the stairs, full of triumph. However, the night had one more surprise for the duo, in the form of Seamus, who was heading their way.

"Hey, Wolfe."

"What, Seamus?"

"Dean wanted me to ask you something."

"What?"

"Are your balls hanging out?"

"…What the fuck?"

And that's all for Chapter one. Thank you, good afternoon to you.

Review, flame, whatever. Do what you want.


	2. When In Doubt, Whip It Out

**Sorry for the wait, everyone. Things have been a little hectic, but I will persevere! On with the chapter.**

**Warning: Neville gets laid, and things get blunt. Sorry, but I wrote this at 2 in the morning.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd own you, wouldn't I?**

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Chapter 2: When in doubt, whip it out. XD

(One Week Later)

Wolfe strutted down to the Great Hall, a satisfied look on his face. In his own mind, he was the king of the world right now, nothing could get him down. His life was perfect. Why, do you ask?

He was having bacon, sausage and eggs in a basket today.

As he walked though the doors, the Great Hall went silent. Even the rats stopped chattering. Even the teachers stopped and stared. Before them all is the person who, with the help of Miss Granger, had ruined the reputation of very nearly every person in Hogwarts. Inconceivable? Read the first chapter, idiot.

Wolfe strolled down the center divide between the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor tables and took a seat between Hermione and Neville, the latter of whom was now thought to be gay as gay can be.

"Hermione, Neville. How are you this fine morning?" Wolfe inquired as if nothing had happened.

"I'm doing well, Wolfe," answered Hermione, "You seem very cheery and sunny today."

POOF!

"Well, that's the reason why," said Wolfe, indicating his delicious breakfast.

"Wolfe…" Neville began timidly.

"Neville, for the last time, I'm taken. If you ask me again-"

"I'M NOT GAY!" Neville half-yelled, "I need your help. With my sex life."

Wolfe, Hermione, as well as Harry and Ron, who had been rudely listening, stared at Neville like he had a vagina for a face.

"…I'm not gonna sleep with you."

"Not that!" said Neville, "I need you to help me to get laid. With a girl." Neville added when he saw the look on Wolfe's face turn horrified.

"Ok, that I can do." Wolfe began to eat. "Meet me in the main courtyard during first break, bitch, and I'll hook you up."

"Thanks, Wolfe," said Neville, relieved.

Wolfe bit into a sausage, "Whatever, he-bitch."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(In the courtyard.)

Wolfe looked at his watch. 'The fag's late,' he thought quietly to himself.

Then, lo and behold, Neville walked though a random door and approached Wolfe. A whole five minutes late.

"You're late fag."

"So? The pussy can wait, right?"

Wolfe slapped Neville. It made a loud crack that was heard 'round the courtyard.

"She's a respectable girl. You will not refer to her as 'pussy'."

"So…" Neville looked around, "Where is she?"

"Should be here right…" Wolfe looked at his watch again, "About….now."

And, right on cue, a black haired Ravenclaw girl walked through a different door from the one Neville entered. Her heels clicking on the ground as she walked, she was wearing a plaid sweater vest with a white shirt underneath, a skirt that went to her knees, as well as knee-high socks.

She looked around the courtyard, spotted Wolfe and Neville, and made a beeline for them.

Neville did a 12-take and looked at Wolfe, "HER?"

Wolfe smiled and waved to the girl, "Yeah. Ain't she hot?"

"I don't stand a chance."

The girl reached them, and immediately hugged Wolfe, "Hey, Wolfe."

"S'goin on, Brit?" Wolfe released the hug.

"Oh, nothing much. Straight A's and pranking with Fred and George," she looked Neville up and down. "_This_ wanker?"

"Neville Longbottom, this is Britni White. She'll be your girlfriend until she bores of you or you do something stupid. Brit, this is Neville."

Brit shook hands with Neville, "I'm the resident Mary Sue and one of three Ravenclaws Wolfe trusts completely. I thought you were gay."

Neville laughed nervously, "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Wolfe smiled, "Well, I'll just leave you two to hit it off, cause I've got a meeting with the Fred and George in a few minutes."

"Acid or weed?" inquired Brit.

"Weed. See ya." and thus, Wolfe made off to smoke some Buddha.

Neville looked at Brit. Brit looked at Neville.

"So how long you've known Wolfe?" Neville asked.

"Bout a month. You?"

"Same."

"Huh…"

"Yeah…."

"…Wanna go fuck?"

"You know it."

And so, Neville got laid with no strings attached. It was great for him, and Brit was equally satisfied, as Neville was capable of making her come more than three times.

Meanwhile, Hermione and Luna were looking for Wolfe, as they had a new prank in store for him.

Hermione looked in the boys dorms, "He's not here Luna. Did he tell you where he was gonna be?"

"Yeah, he said he was gonna be with Fred and George for a few hours."

"Probably getting stoned in the Room of Requirement…"

"Yeah…wanna go?"

"Thought you'd never ask." Thus, they set out for the aforementioned room to find Wolfe.

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(Room of Requirement)

Wolfe was stoned. He couldn't remember the last time he could see everything so…clearly. And he finally got Carrot Top's jokes. He was beyond baked. He was beyond torched. He was annihilated.

Then two nymphs appeared in front of him, "Hey, George…who are they?"

"Uhhhh…I think it's god and her pimp momma."

Fred suddenly looked up, "Wassup, God? Want some ganja?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(real life)

Luna looked worried, "Hermione…if someone finds them like this…"

Hermione nodded, "Yeah, they'll be expelled…so what do we do?"

"Well, here's what _I'll_ do: I'll take Wolfe to his room, and you take those two to Flitwick so he can heal them."

"Okay, but why don't you take Wolfe to Flitwick with me?"

"Hermione, when am I gonna get a chance at this again?"

"Oh, ok! I'll see you at dinner."

Luna picked up Wolfe, who had passed out, "I'll tell you how it was."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(The next day)

Wolfe awoke with a severe hangover. Groaning, he tried to get up. However, a mass of blonde hair prevented his chest from rising. It was around this time that he realized he was naked.

He grabbed the blonde hair and pulled it up to see who it belonged to.

"Luna?!"

Luna smiled dementedly, "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…"

"What the- Why in the- Where the fuck are my clothes?!"

"Under the beeeeeeeeeeeeed…"

"Did we…"

Luna nodded.

"…so…how was I?"

She traced a finger over his chest, "You remember the Holocaust?"

"…yeah…"

"Picture the exact opposite of that-"

Wolfe smiled.

"-then multiply it by two-"

Wolfe grinned.

"-and add whipped cream and handcuffs."

Wolfe turned red, "I can't remember any of that."

Luna smiled, "That's because I modified your memory so you couldn't."

The look on Wolfe's face was like that of a person who went to buy cigarettes only to find that the government had made them illegal.

Luna laughed, "At least not until I want you to remember it."

Wolfe quickly regained his composure, "Well, if I can't remember it, then I'll have to make a new memory of it."

"Huh?"

Wolfe then jumped on top of Luna, and the rest, as they say, is history.

End Chapter 2

Review, please. Your input is appreciated.


	3. If it Moves, Shoot it Again

**Haven't updated in a while. Oh well. Here you go.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, I wouldn't be doing this if I did.**

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Chapter 3: If It Moves, Shoot it Again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"

"STAY STILL!!" BANG!

Ron ran past Hermione, Harry, Luna, Draco, Neville, and Britt….for the fifth time. Wolfe was in close pursuit, occasionally firing off a shot from his .50 cal Magnum. Why? You'll find out soon enough.

Luna sighed, "Well, he's lasted four laps longer than I thought he would last."

Harry nodded, "And with one in his shoulder too."

Draco looked at Harry, "I don't think that would impede his ability to run."

"Shut up shit-brick."

Draco winced, "Must you call me that?"

"I'll stop calling you that when you stop screaming every time…" Harry left the comment up in the air.

BANG!

"OH GOD MY LEG!!"

"Well, shall we go watch Wolfe kill him?" Hermione started walking to where Ron was undoubtedly bleeding all over the floor.

"Better than just standing here," Neville commented. Everyone else nodded.

--

Wolfe had managed to finally shatter Ron's right kneecap in the Great Hall, where other students and teachers were having a late lunch.

"Finally…pant…got…pant…you," Wolfe panted (duh).

"Mr. Jercries, Mr. Weasley…" It was Dumbledore.

"Oh, hey professor, just finishing him off," Wolfe said, lifting his gun to deal the killing blow.

"Well, as much as I understand your motives Mr. Jercries, I would prefer if you took this outside where the bullet won't shatter the tiles. They're ever so difficult to repair."

"Oh, OK professor! Let's go, dead man," Wolfe said, beginning to drag Ron by the collar of his shirt.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Ron screamed, his words falling on deaf ears.

Dumbledore looked at his feet, "Mr. Filch, could you clean up this blood before it stains?"

--

Wolfe took Ron outside, then tried to decide how would be the best way to kill the bastard. Whomping Willow? Nah. Feed him to Buckbeak? Been there, done that. Giant Squid? Oh, yeah!

Draco looked out over the grounds, "Hey, I thought he was gonna shoot him, what's he taking him to the lake for?"

"Baka!" Hermione said, slapping him upside his head, "He's obviously gonna feed him to the Giant Squid of Tentacle Rape Lake."

"I've always wondered why it was called that," Harry responded, scratching his head.

Anyway, back with Wolfe,

"Ready to get raped and torn apart, bitch?"

"NO! Why are you doing this? All I did was take _one_ Danish! ONE apple flavored Danish!"

Wolfe pulled him until their noses were practically touching, "It's not _just_ a Danish. _**IT'S A WAY OF LIFE!!**_" He then threw Ron into the lake, saying "Oh, BETTY! Someone wants to PLAY!!"

Silence, then…

"OH MY GOD! MY ANUS!!"

Luna patted Harry on the back, "Well, now you know why it's called that."

Eventually, Ron was killed by the Giant Squid. Don't worry, he'll be back next chapter. No one really dies. For good. The whole time he was getting raped and eaten, Wolfe was standing at the edge of the lake, laughing his ass off. Harry went blind, Neville puked, Britt fainted, Luna raised her eyebrows when the squid thought Ron had a vagina, Hermione blithered on about stuff she's read about squids doing that sort of thing, and Draco pretended to listen in the hopes he would score.

He didn't.

--

Fin.

Hope you liked it. Till next time,

Soren.

Reviews of all kinds are accepted. Flames too. It makes me giggle to see your insults.


	4. Something Stupid This Way Comes

**Well, due to me getting over ten reviews, I decided to finish this chapter and post it.**

**Disclaimer: I only own Wolfe and the camera mentioned within.**

**I regret nothing.**

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Chapter 4: Something Stupid This Way Comes

Harry was flying on his broom. When he did this, he felt alive. Free. So very-

"HARRY WATCH OUT FOR THAT-"

CRUNCH!

"Wall……" Draco finished. Harry's limp body fell off the wall, dropped about 500 feet and fell on a cobblestone walkway.

"OMG!" Said a random Hufflepuff. "He's dead!"

"Nah, he's fine," responded Draco, landing. "He's the main character of a best-selling book series."

"Oh, then he should be up in a few minutes!" the ditzy girl said, turning her gaze back to Harry.

+++Three Hours Later+++

"…Draco?"

"Yeah?"

"I think he's dead…"

"Yeah…….wanna make out on his body?"

"Oh hell ye-"

An intercom came on nearby.

"**THIS IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH COMMITTEE REMINDING YOU THAT BUTT SEX IS THE BEST SEX! THAT WILL BE ALL."**

Draco raised his left eyebrow, "Well that was weird. Now where were we…"

And so Draco and some unnamed girl desecrated Harry's body by having hawt sex on it. But at least Harry could say he was in a threesome.

_____________________________________________________

Meanwhile, in Wolfe's dorm…

"I don't want to."

"Cmon, Blaise. Don't be such a pansy bitch."

"Yeah," Ron said, "It's not like you're saying 'you, me, and a cup.'"

In case you're wondering, Wolfe and Ron are trying to convince Blaise to ask Cho if she'll be his wife.

"What if she says no?"

Wolfe pretended to think, then said this: "Well, you could always have rebound sex with Hannah."

Ron scoffed, "_Please_, Wolfe. Everyone has rebound sex with her. Hell, even I did."

"I thought you drugged and date-raped her."

Silence…

Then Ron jumped out a window. He died on impact.

Blaise decided to ask Cho. She said yes. They had hawt butt-sex on Dumbledore's desk while he and the rest of the headmasters watched.

Wolfe smoked some pot. It tasted like strawberries. The funny thing about this is that the papers weren't flavored. The pot itself tasted of strawberries.

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Hermione was in the library when she heard whispering behind the bookshelves.

"Would you just put it in already?"

Oh my goodness, Hermione thought quietly to herself, is someone doing something dirty in the library…without a video camera to capture every minute of it.

Grinning evilly, Hermione took the camera from chapter one out of her bag and positioned it so that it would record whatever was going on in the restricted section. Eventually, the persons left. She didn't see their faces, but she had the camera.

"Let's see who you really are," she whispered when the tape was completely rewound.

Now, here it must be said that the two behind the bookshelves had used a silencing charm so nobody could hear them. Needless to say, this doesn't work on video cameras.

"Play." Hermione said in a singsong voice before doing just that.

Silence, then…

"DAMN, DRACO! YOU ARE SOOO **TIGHT**!!!" was the sound that was heard all over the library, accompanied by Draco's moans and gasps as he was reamed up the ass by…

Seamus Finnagan.

Everyone in the library fainted. Except Hermione.

…

…

…

…she pulled off her panties while watching the two men get it on.

…

…

…

…**thud! thud! thud! thud! thud! thud!**

**---------------------------------------------**

!_ /-\ `l` # 1`\ (which is advanced 1337 for Later)

Malfoy, having fulfilled his sexual needs, skipped merrily though the distinguished halls of Hogwarts. Nothing could go wrong in his world. Nothing at all.

Then he tripped over Harry's body. It smelled like sex and old cheese.

"Harry?" Draco said uncertainly. He poked Harry in the mouth with his "wand". "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! HARRY! YOU CAN'T DIE!" He cradled Harry's head like one would their lover, "WHO'S GONNA GIVE ME A FREE BLOWIE WHEN I NEED IT?"

"Um Draco?"

"GASP! The author! You can fix this right? You can bring my Harry-hime back, right?"

I scratched my head, "Well, I can bring him back next chapter."

"Oh thank go-WAIT A MINUTE!!! You never update! YOU LAZY PRI-"

BANG!

Draco's brain matter soaked the distinguished halls of Hogwarts. He joined his gay lover on the floor. Until next chapter that is.

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Fin.

Just to clear things up, I have nothing against gays. I just find the whole DracoxHarry pairing funny.

You may review, my people. Till next time,

Soren


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